I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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