So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
