I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
