The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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