You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
