Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
