My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
