Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
