This dress was meant to end up on your floor
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
