Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
