how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
