I think im going to throw up on grandma
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
