Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
