Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
