No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
