Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
not ubering you a puppy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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