Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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