I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
