I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
and you fell through a lawn chair
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
