I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
