Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
