Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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