Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
