The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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