party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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