What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
