if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
