i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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