I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im holly from the hills drunk
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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