Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
