Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Come on in and take your pants off
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