he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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