I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
