Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
