i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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