I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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