yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
