They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i think i just lost a toe
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
