i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
