She announced her abortion via fbk
I got her a Nickelback box set.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
