i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
