im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
