you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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