There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
