I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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