did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
