Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
