first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
