I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
