I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
