Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
